There are a few things I don’t quite understand about my computer.  Why do I have to wait on my computer? Shouldn’t my computer wait on me? Why does my computer need to reboot? It doesn’t walk, boots? Why does my computer get viruses? Is there some sharing of digital fluids that I’m unaware exists? Why does my computer have memory? What does it use its memory for?  I’m always the one that has to tell it what to do.  Isn’t it supposed to make my job easier? Why does my computer have a mouse? Is it a pet? That’s creepy.  I think I need a new computer.

Dear Computer Manufacturer,

The computer I purchased from your upstanding company has not met my expectations. There are several things with my computer I would really like addressed.

For starters, I no longer want to wait on my computer. I think it is high time that my computer get a head start and stay ahead of the game.  All the waiting is getting pretty out of hand.  In fact, I had time to write this letter while waiting on my computer.

If I’m not around, my computer should use its memory to keep on doing what I would do. I do the same crap day in and day out. Sure, I don’t mind stopping by the office every once in awhile to check on things, but there really shouldn’t be a need for me to tell my computer what to do every day. As they say around these parts,”git her done!”

It would be nice if my computer took time to boot, reboot, or get new boots on its own time. My computer has more boots than I know what to do with.  My boss certainly doesn’t pay me to change shoes during work hours.  Maybe, you should equip it with running shoes to help it go faster and donate the damn boots to someone who needs them.

Also, I’m a little freaked out about my computer having a pet mouse. Isn’t it a little silly for such an advanced piece of equipment to take instructions from a mouse? I don’t want to have to touch that nasty little critter anymore.   In fact, I just want my computer to read my mind.  My girlfriend seems to think that’s an easy task.

I want my computer to stop sharing bodily fluids with other computers or however the heck it manages to get so many viruses.  Being from Silicon Valley, you would think the computer would come with protection. A non X rated operating system might cut down on all the viruses.  I think Windows XP has something to do with the promiscuous nature of my computer.

I’m going to send my computer back as soon as it’s done rebooting. If you could be so kind as to upgrade it to whatever version that addresses the aforementioned shortcomings, I would be most obliged.

Sincerely,

Wes Barnes