Okay so when I bought her, I was told she was a cat. I really wanted a monkey, but I heard girls think that’s a weird pet to own. I didn’t want some poor monkey developing a complex so, I got a cat. Much to my surprise, I took my so-called cat to the vet, and the vet introduces me to my stinky little, ass licking, crotch sniffing, tail chasing, mucus snorting, attention slut of a dog – China. In a moment of despair, I asked, “WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH A DOG?” The vet said to me, “what have you been doing with her for the past six months?” I said, “trying to figure out why the heck she eats seven cans of cat food a day.”
That was over four years ago. China’s birthday is coming up. A few days ago, I told her I would take her on a hike for her birthday. She looked at me like I was an idiot and went back to sniffing her crotch. However, this morning I picked up my cell phone, keys, and the only thing besides what I’m eating that gets her attention. I grabbed her FIRE ENGINE RED LEASH. I got the look from her. The HOLY SHIT look. Got your attention now, don’t I? This was followed by China momentarily losing her shit. She ran around in circles chasing her tail until she hit her head on the console table. She then sat down in front of the door wagging her tail with unbridled enthusiasm unfazed by the glowing red knot on her head. That leash is kind of a big deal to my ass licking, four-legged, compadre. It means a ride in the car.
Invariably, I walk out the house and forget something. I told China I forgot something and she gave me that trademark moronic look. It kind of looks like the blank stare of an 800-pound silverback gorilla just before she pounces on some poor unsuspecting, soon to be lifeless, soul. A friend once said to me, “you know, people tend to look like their dogs.” I told her, “People also tend to look like their mother eventually. I don’t know which is worse; you look like your mother, or your mother looks like your dog.” I digress.
Five and a half miles of walking through the woods, up hills, down hills, through creeks, throwing China in the lake, giving China mouth to mouth, and we both are completely in bliss. In part from the lack of oxygen but mainly from spending the morning in the woods. Spending a beautiful morning in the woods with my stinky little, ass licking, crotch sniffing, tail chasing, mucus snorting, attention slut dog – priceless. Man’s best friend? I think man can find better friends, like ones that help pay bills (monkeys can pick pockets). However, no one is ever consistently happier to be in my company than stinky. I’ll settle for that.
I have but one rule when it comes to my stinky little, ass licking, crotch sniffing, tail chasing, mucus snorting, attention slut dog. You can love my dog and not love me, but you can’t love me if you don’t love my stinky little, ass licking, crotch sniffing, tail chasing, mucus snorting, attention slut dog.
Happy birthday, sweetpea!