China, my dog, and I have been sampling a TV show on the National Geographic channel called Dog Whisperer. If you haven’t seen it yet, it’s about a master dog trainer named Hector Chavez. No wait, it’s Cesar. Yeah, Cesar Millan. Any rate, Cesar has this seemingly amazing ability to train people in the art of doggy domination. Cesar might be painful to watch, but I must admit, he has a keen ability to calmly make a difference in a person’s relationship with their canine subordinates. Having grown up in a pack of wolves myself and having been dominated by a supreme alpha female, I would say domination is something I know a bit about. In my training or upbringing, domination always involved some amount of physical and psychological pain or trauma.

I should confess I harbor an ulterior motive.  I have been watching Cesar’s show in hopes of solving some of China’s nasty little dog habits. I hope there is an episode that teaches me how to train China to smell better – a little less peanut butter and corn chips.  Maybe, there is a way to teach China to stunt her toenail growth. Stunting growth might be too much to ask. But surely, I can’t be the only one with a disobedient little ungrateful dog that refuses to fetch a beer. That CANNOT be too much to ask.

Cesar spends very little time fixing broken dogs. In episode after episode, Cesar teaches one tactic.  He teaches doggie owners how to walk their dog. That’s right.  Buddy has agoraphobia, take him for a walk. Matilda has an issue with attacking skateboard wheels – take her for a walk. Harley has a small problem with running in non-stop Winston Cup circles when he spots a moving vehicle – take him for a walk (the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen).

Despite the repeated warnings – “Do not attempt techniques at home without consulting a professional,” I decided to fix China with a domination dog walk. I attached her doggy bathtub, a pair of toenail clippers and a six pack of beer to her collar.  I then took her for a walk. At first, she seemed a bit confused by all the noise and sparks coming from the tin tub resurfacing the pavement as we dragged it along. Undeterred, every time she looked back at it, I firmly grasped her leash just as Cesar recommended and marched forward. The walk was exhausting, and eventually, we both stopped and had a beer.  However, I felt like it was a capital K-9 success.

Last night, China and I watched another episode.  I was proud of what China had accomplished. I laughed as Maya, another disobedient dog, ate off the stove, dug in the flower bed, and nursed a kitten. Yes, someone’s pit bull mix was nursing a kitten. Yeah, probably more ridiculous than NASCAR Harley. I noticed about midway through the episode China wasn’t really into it.  Then it occurred to me that China still reeked of peanut butter and corn chips.  What’s more, she also smells like beer.

Cesar might be a false prophet. He may be teaching dog owners a lot about walking, but the dogs are just following their owners’ lead. This realization led me to wonder how long China had been eating peanut butter and corn chips sandwiches.  And now, thanks to Cesar, I have to share my beer. What kind of domination walk is going to cure that?